I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
