How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
