my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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