So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
