he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
