I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
