so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
