There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
