don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
