there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So much rum. So many feels.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
