I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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