It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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