smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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