just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
