How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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