my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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