When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
