I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
