That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
