He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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