you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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