No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You are the jesus of drinking
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
