Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
