and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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