Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.