i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?