Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
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They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
and you fell through a lawn chair
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?