I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!