i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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