I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My ass is underappreciated
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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