i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
