I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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