No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
