I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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