a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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