Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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