I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
