allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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