Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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