We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
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i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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