Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
