so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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