You were right. It hurts to walk today.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
