How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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