I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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