There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
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If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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