Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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