I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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