Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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