apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
