Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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