so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
