Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
