I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
