after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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