you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
