Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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