The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
