so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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