failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am naked and annoyed.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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