I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So apparently I’m into choking now
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